My Cultural Landscape: When Control Freaks Fail At Family Management

During the 1950s, when many families enjoyed watching Father Knows Best, some parents preferred that their children understood what it meant when their mother told them that she "had eyes in the back of her head." The popular theory that "a mother knows" was reinforced by those special occasions when a kid would come home and get slapped in the face by a suspicious parent. "What was THAT for?" the child would yell, only to hear his mother respond "I don't know, but I'll bet you do!"

It's no secret that some mothers are control freaks, determined to know every thought that crosses their child's mind before the youngster can even comprehend its meaning. And yet, even as we celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall riots and all the social progress that has been made, many LGBT adolescents have learned to compartmentalize certain parts of their lives (especially with regard to details about their sexual identity and any recreational activities that could land them in hot water).

In some cases, a mother may sense that her child is gay but remain quiet, waiting for the child (or adult) to summon the courage to come clean (so to speak). The unfortunate children whose secrets are uncovered by hyperreligious and/or homophobic parents run the risks of being subjected to domestic violence and/or total ostracism from family and friends. Nevertheless, they can still dream of a brighter future.

* * * * * * * * *

Two short films screened during the 2019 Frameline Film Festival addressed the compartmentalization that many gay men rely upon to keep their identity secret from their mothers and any other relatives who might not be sympathetic. Though both films are set in London, each has a distinctly different tone.

Christopher Manning's touching portrait of a Roumanian Muslim gay man who still lives with his family shows the differences in the moments Rahmi (Horia Savescu) can call his own and the moments when a wrong move could make him vulnerable.

Rahmi still lives with his mother (Maia Morgenstern), who only speaks Roumanian, and his arrogant kid brother, Cemil (Lino Facioli), who takes a certain amount of pride in acting like an asshole. As the de facto head of the family, Rahmi's presence serves as a bridge to their roots near the Black Sea and their new home in London.

Poster art for ISHA

While Rahmi's mother frets about her son's having to work so many long hours as a short-order cook, she remains completely unaware that he is in a relationship with a handsome Brit named Sean (Dario Coates), whose apartment provides a loving space where Rahmi can find sex, warmth, and the kind of tenderness he could never enjoy at home.

Most of the scenes shot in Rahmi's apartment, the restaurant where he works, and Sean's apartment are filmed in semi-darkness (which speaks volumes about the depression that comes with leading a closeted lifestyle built on a series of white lies). But as Sean and Rahmi enjoy a day trip to a rocky beach, some impressive drone footage frames them in a completely different manner, giving ISHA an intoxicating lift as the two men are able to be themselves, for themselves, however they wish while basking in the sunshine and their freedom. Here's the trailer:

* * * * * * * * *

Written and directed by Sam Peter Jackson, Clothes & Blow follows Daniel (David Menkin) as he navigates an unexpected family crisis. A 41-year-old American voiceover artist who has been living in London for several years, Daniel is less than thrilled about his age and lack of any meaningful social life.

In between having to deal with idiotic clients who want his voiceovers to sound "different" and disappointing hookups on Grindr, his life seems to be going nowhere fast. His most recent Grindr contact, Ricky (Nigel Pilkington), is an extremely thin man who, in addition to having a rash between his legs, must carefully remove his retainer before having sex. The film's title refers to their decision for Daniel to keep his clothes on while Ricky sinks to his knees and gets to work.

Things change when Daniel receives an unexpected (and largely unwelcome) telephone call from his mother. Now that she's a widow, Stephanie (Nancy Baldwin) has decided to be more assertive. As part of her new program for single living, she has not only decided to go visit her son in London but has also arranged for her daughter, Chrissie (Christy Meyer), to fly in from Geneva for a family get-together. Though Stephanie thinks it would be a great idea for the three of them to stay together at Daniel's apartment, Chrissy (who senses an impending disaster) has wisely booked herself a room at a nearby upscale hotel.

Nancy Baldwin (Stephanie) and David Menkin (Daniel) ride a
tour bus around London in a scene from Clothes & Blow

The obvious problem is that, although Daniel long ago made Chrissy swear to keep the fact that he was gay a secret from their mother, Stephanie has never quite figured out why Daniel is single. Or, if he's gay, why he's never confided in her. When Daniel finally catches sight of his mother, she is excitedly chatting with Ottavio (Alessandro Gruttadauria), a handsome Sicilian man she met on the train from Heathrow to Paddington Station.

What could be the motherly visit from hell erupts with plenty of recriminations and revelations for all three family members. And yet, the weekend turns out to be far better than either Daniel or Chrissy could have imagined. After bidding his mother farewell, Daniel unexpectedly runs into Ottavio on the street and discovers that they both share a passion for watching reruns of Dallas and Dynasty. Hope springs eternal.

* * * * * * * * *

While "The Man I Love" (published in 1927 by George and Ira Gershwin) looks forward to the arrival and fulfillment of a woman's romantic wish, many a song has been written about the despair, disorientation, and woeful feelings of uselessness which accompany empty nest syndrome, the loss of a lover, or the death of a partner. Irving Berlin's "What'll I Do" from 1923's Music Box Revue, "I'll Be Seeing You" (music by Sammy Fain, lyrics by Irving Kahal) from 1938's Right This Way, and Stephen Sondheim's "Losing My Mind" from 1971's Follies are superb examples of how simplicity and craft can achieve greatness.

The Aurora Theater Company is currently presenting the Bay Area premiere of The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion's 2007 adaptation of her 2005 memoir (which won that year’s National Book Award for Nonfiction). Since its Broadway premiere (with Vanessa Redgrave portraying Didion), this dense 90-minute monologue has been performed by such talented actresses as Mary Beth Fisher, Fanny Ardant, and Seana McKenna. Stacy Ross admirably rises to the challenge in Aurora's production, which has been lovingly directed by Nancy Carlin.

Stacy Ross as Joan Didion in The Year of Magical Thinking
(Photo by: David Allen)

Primarily focused on Didion's experience after her husband, John Gregory Dunne, died on December 30, 2003, The Year of Magical Thinking also describes the challenges that accompanied the healthcare needs of the couple's adopted daughter, Quintana Roo Dunne (who died on August 26, 2005). Famous for a prolific career in which she wrote magazine articles, novels, and screenplays (as well as a great deal of nonfiction), Didion stresses that:

“Writing is hostile in that you’re trying to make somebody see something the way you see it, trying to impose your idea, your picture. Quite often you want to tell somebody your dream, your nightmare. Well, nobody wants to hear about someone else’s dream, good or bad; nobody wants to walk around with it. The writer is always tricking the reader into listening to the dream.”

Stacy Ross as Joan Didion in The Year of Magical Thinking
(Photo by: David Allen)

People who are heavy dreamers know that their dreams rarely follow a linear pattern (the narrative is often barely believable). Part of the challenge for the actor portraying Didion onstage is that, unlike most monologues, each section of the show jumps all over the place rather than telling a specific story with a beginning, middle, and end. Didion begins the play by explaining to the audience that there are things they need to know in order to cope with the unexpected demands they will face in the days, weeks, and months after the death of a loved one (whatever tight grasp a person might have previously held on their activities of daily living, thought patterns, or the simple luxury of having another person around to finish their sentences and act as a sounding board for decisions will fall to the wayside as if a stroke had suddenly robbed them of their capacity to speak). She wants the audience to learn from her experience so they can be prepared.

Stacy Ross as Joan Didion in The Year of Magical Thinking
(Photo by: David Allen)

For a control freak, the sudden onset of confusion, inability to remember important facts, reluctance to prioritize tasks, and failure to get sufficiently motivated to handle simple tasks comes as a shocking assault on a life that has not just been well led, but has been built on a solid foundation of strong organizational skills and advance planning. Working on a simple yet impressive unit set designed by Kent Dorsey that has been handsomely lit by Kurt Landisman (with sound design by Cliff Caruthers), Ross does an impressive job of bringing Didion's memories and emotional challenges to life without indulging in a great deal of histrionics. Didion's monologue is an extremely intimate piece of theatre, akin to the internal conversations many people have with themselves using words that, rarely spoken aloud, nevertheless race back and forth through their minds. It also presents a monstrous memory challenge for the actress tackling the role.